The Whole Mess

Notes from the middle of everything

Collector of contradictions, student of imperfection, and occasional meditator. Writing from the messy middle with equal parts honesty and humor.
  • Dating While Disabled: Queer Crip Accessibility

    Part 6 of 8
    (…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)

    This may come as a shock to nondisabled people, but most of us disabled folks enjoy having sex. As Slice so succinctly puts it, “the sexless crip is a tired and painful trope” (p. 149). It may also come as a surprise to know that a significant number of disabled people are also trans and/or queer.

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  • Dating While Disabled: Mutual Aid & Care

    Part 5 of 8
    (…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)

    Within disability culture, we celebrate mutual aid, which Slice describes as “the practice of supporting one another in a complex web of practical and emotional support” (p. 135). This can show up in a multitude of ways, which become far more complicated when it involves romantic relationships.

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  • Dating While Disabled: Care

    Part 4 of 8
    (…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)

    Even though it’s been decades since the advent of the disability rights movement, it’s disheartening to see that the trope of the disabled person in an interbred relationship is portrayed as a burden and the nondisabled partner as a hero. A basic search will yield innumerable results discussing why it is completely natural and appropriate to leave a relationship simply because one person has a disability.

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  • Dating While Disabled: Desires

    Part 3 of 8
    (…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)

    Let’s be real: sex education in the United States is a joke. Even when it does exist, rarely does it cover anything outside of nondisabled, cisgender, straight sex and biology. So, just like our nondisabled peers, we disabled daters have often unconsciously turned to popular media for guidance. Unfortunately, there are extremely few examples available to anyone outside of the white, cishet, thin, male pleasure-focused, penetrative sexual ideal.

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  • Dating While Disabled: Needs

    Part 2 of 8
    (…a continued reflection on Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp)

    Slice and Cupp remind us of an important decree for dating: it should not be about trying to “fill some empty hole in my life but to add to my life that is already full in so many ways” (p. 46). This axiom should be true for disabled and nondisabled daters alike. Cupp uses the analogy of ice cream: “I don’t technically need ice cream—it’s not an essential food group—but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Ice cream is rich and delicious—having someone special in my life could be rich and delicious too” (p. 46).

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  • Dating While Disabled: Attraction & Ableism

    Part 1 of 8

    Now that I’ve moved into the maintenance stage of having had breast cancer, I’m finally feeling like I can put my attention and focus back into dating seriously. Unfortunately, there are very few readily available role models for dating while disabled. That’s why I was intrigued to break open Datable by Jessica Slice and Caroline Cupp.

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  • Good Kings Bad Kings

    I recently finished the 2013 book Good Kings Bad Kings by Susan Nussbaum. Overall, it was a good read. The linguistics she uses with some of her characters left me a little uncomfortable, as Nussbaum is a white author writing as BIPOC characters. I hope that, at the very least, she consulted BIPOC readers and had them test-read the novel before publication.

    Also, fair warning, there’s a fairly graphic scene where one of the kids is sexually assaulted by a staff member. Just something to be aware of if you decide to pick up the book. It’s most explicit on pages 64-67 in the paperback copy and 47-49 in the e-book.

    All that said, one of my course assignments was to choose a character in the book and provide a character map focusing on a specific trait. We were then to connect to a book theme, which I decided to choose was disability culture/community. It was an interesting exercise and I thought I’d share my thoughts with you all as well.

    Btw, I chose Joanne because I see so much of myself in her, both in how she became disabled and in her crip attitude and wry sense of humor. Honestly, I could hear her words coming out of my mouth. So, here goes:

    Character Map: Joanne is Observant
    One of Joanne’s defining traits is that she is deeply observant, not just of people but also of the subtle cultural and political dynamics surrounding disability. She notices things that other staff either ignore or normalize, and she identifies the underlying patterns of ableism shaping everyday life at ILLC. Early in the novel, Joanne observes how the institution uses euphemistic language to disguise harm: “Naming these places is all about misdirection” (p. 10). She even points out how “The kids here are called patients” (p. 11), or in Mrs. Phoebe’s case, “her angels” (p. 11). Joanne recognizes that the language of “care” functions as a mask, allowing the institution to appear benevolent while maintaining control over disabled youth. Her attention to language reflects how sharply she perceives the dissonance between what these systems claim to be and the lived reality inside them.

    Joanne’s observations often extend to cultural knowledge that only emerges through shared disability experience. For example, she notes, “It’s well known in crip circles that the best place for a crip to get a job is a place that’s swarming with other crips” (p. 9). This is more than a practical comment. It shows her awareness of disabled community patterns, norms, and insider truths. She sees disability culture not as an abstraction but as something shaped through everyday survival and solidarity. Joanne’s observational skills are rooted in her lived experience as a disabled adult who understands the unspoken rules governing the world she navigates.

    Theme: Disability Culture/Community; Joanne & Reclaiming “Crip”
    A powerful moment of disability cultural expression comes when Joanne explicitly discusses her own language use: “I myself prefer ‘crip,’ or variations on ‘crip,’ strictly for personal use… Why not take back the king of all pejoratives, ‘cripple,’ and re-empower it by giving it the crip imprimatur?” (p. 106). This quote is a textbook example of disability culture asserting itself against the dominant norms that stigmatize disability. Joanne situates herself within a community conversation: some disabled people prefer not to use “crip,” others actively reclaim it. She then frames her own choice as an act of empowerment rather than as a source of shame.

    What makes this passage especially meaningful is that Joanne articulates a distinctly crip-cultural logic: reclaim the slur, redefine it through community usage, and resist the stigma imposed by nondisabled society. Her language choices reflect an identity grounded in pride, solidarity, and political consciousness. In claiming “crip” for herself, Joanne marks herself as part of a cultural lineage within disability activism. This moment reinforces how disability culture is built through shared language, humor, resistance, and the refusal to let outsiders define what disability means.

  • I’m a Breast Cancer Troublemaker

    I’ve never settled for the pink-washing of my experience. Even with the best of possible outcomes, my cancer story has been gruesome, painful, and arduous. It’s also been full of unexpected beauty and eroticism. The idea of being a “survivor”, while helpful to many who need the narrative to get through the ordeal, feels problematic for me personally.

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  • Notes From the Middle of a Pain Flare

    It sneaks up on me… just a twinge, slight pressure rumbling just beneath the surface. Realization hits me on a subconscious level, not quite aware of what some part of me already knows is on the way.

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  • A Crip Aesthetic Reading of My Work

    This commentary is a reflection on poems Folsom Follies and Scartography, both of which now have original art that I’ve created attached.

    Brueggemann (2013)1 asserts that when disability is claimed as a “positive identity marker,” it enables the creation of art that celebrates human variation (p. 286). Claiming crip as an identity has allowed me to create from pride and embodiment rather than repair or recovery. My poems, Folsom Follies and Scartography, are acts of crip life-writing that explore sexuality, pain, and the body as sites of resistance and beauty. Together, they reclaim narrative control from systems that label and contain disabled lives.

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